The other night, a friend and I went out to a Korean restaurant. As I scanned the menu for its most appealing vegetarian options, my friend began to inhale all of the starters that the restaurant put in front of us. I picked a dish, something with vegetables and fried rice, and began to dig into the starters. After trying out a few, my throat began to feel itchy. Then the food came, and after a few bites, the itchiness increased and my lips became a little puffy—this was an obvious allergic reaction. I asked the waitress if they used sesame oil, one of a few things I’m allergic to, and she said yes. As they were switching my dish (they were super cool about it), my friend said, “Sorry, man. You know, I never have to think about whether something is cooked with sesame oil, or whether something has a little meat in it.” My friend’s unnecessary, but kind, apology struck a chord within me. I never have to think about whether something is cooked with sesame oil, or whether something has a little meat in it.
His words got me thinking about how often we are involuntarily ignorant to the situations, feelings, and experiences of others. Think about it, how often do we say, “If I were them, I would have done so-and-so,” or “I can’t understand how anyone could act/ live/ think like that.”
Placing ourselves in the positions of others is one of the hardest things to do in life. How could one possibly understand what another is going through, if they have never gone through it themselves, or if they have no idea what it means to live, breathe, cry, and bleed in the body of another? The example with my friend never, up to that point, having considered the types of oil something is made in is just one of the infinite things that he has most likely never considered, yet that I think about all of the time. And I know that there are thousands upon thousands of things that he has experienced, thought about, and felt, which I have never, and possibly will never, consider.
So where does this leave us? If it’s so difficult to place ourselves in the positions of others, why try or why care? Well, just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It may become easier if we approach people, and situations, with as few preconceived notions and misconceptions as possible. To do this, we need to strip ourselves of the things that make us us, even if just for a second: Personal problems, experiences, opinions, and facts of life. Through becoming blank slates, free of judgment, we enable ourselves to see life through the eyes, mind, and maybe even heart, of another.
Sesame Oil in a Heart-Shaped Dish
But there is also be another way. And this way entails bringing our problems, experiences, opinions, and facts with us when facing different people and situations. Depending on who you are, this may be harder or easier than the first approach. With this method, we bring all that is our self with us, but realize that who and what we are is no better, or worse, than the person or situation that we’re facing. We see that we are who we are, that they are who they are, and that from a certain perspective, all is the same. We have had different experiences, but instead of hindering us, we can embrace the differences between us and know that our way isn’t the only way.
One point of all of this is to make ourselves better equipped to deal with the other and the different. Too often are people afraid to face the unknown, which causes a large amount of problems when someone is actually forced to encounter something outside of themselves, or the things that they’re familiar with.
A more selfish, and personally beneficial, point is that when we come to better understand others, we begin to explore our own depths. Take a second to realize that the only way you know who you are is through contrasting yourself with other. You know that you are a male because there are females, that you are blonde because there are redheads, that you drive quickly because others drive slowly, etc. The list is only limited by the connections of our universe, which essentially means that it is infinite.
Self-acceptance, love, and understanding are three of the most powerful things that a person can gain. And through placing ourselves in the positions of others, even if just once, we can turn conflict into compassion, unknown into understanding, and strange into similar. Especially within ourselves.
Once you spill words out of your mouth, it is pretty hard to to collect them back- just like the waters- Once spilled, they are spilled forever, and they stay forever within us because they hurt so much that they have a potential to defeat the patience that has the water to stop the fire and the anger within us . Indeed, as much as words speak about who who we are, express the sense of our way of looking at the world, and construct the overall sense of our identity, they could also destroy the life that we have been effortlessly building for years, robb us of our dignity, and drain the whole magic of living. Matt, you have generously given excuse to the person who hurt you without knowing what he really was talking about. But the effect of those words have been so immeasurable that you had to force yourself to write something about them. That is it! words have two colors, they either construct or destroy us. But if one sees the world with an open mind, then one is able to find the treasure within the problem itself, which is exactly what you did. First, you learned for yourself that words are to be used safely, and properly. Second, you are awakening others to rethink about what they say before dropping the bomb. My advice: everybody should think twice before they speak.
Well put my brother. I really appreciate this. To us it might be common sense but to soo many people out there, it’s a unidentified ignorance, it’s a commonality not to think about others’ situation. I might have gone off the deep end calling this ignorance. I don’t mean that in a bad way, it is how we are wired. We think, breathe and smell by how we are taught to do so and eventually evolve those senses by OUR own experiences throughout life.
I recently joined a firm with fellow peers (about 450 people) and we make up the 2012 analyst class. Throughout on-boarding events I deliberately isolated myself from some of the extracurricular activities the group did-ie. going to a local bar during lunch or having group dinners after work. I did so not because I’m antisocial, I’m quite the contrary, but because I have to check whether or not the places I go are wheelchair accessible. Granted, when I did join the team, and I seldomly did, I felt terrible arriving at a bar or a restaurant that was not accessible.
This made me feel like shit. I felt I was holding back to team and I though no one mentioned it, I am sure that others felt bad about not checking into it for me. But the reality is that they had no reasons whatsoever to do a background check on the bar, why would they? They could walk up or down the stairs so it’s not right to blame anyone. I know that although it is uncomfortable for me to do put myself and others through that, it is a learning experience. I am humbled by their reactions the keen desire of others to help. And though it is untold, I know that they will remember these occurrences and become mindful of these idiosyncrasies and check the next time. They, like me, are becoming better people. I learn to become more comfortable with inaccessible establishments and feel joy in knowing that I’ve expanded their notions on how to help out when faced with someone in a chair…this is a tough thing to learn and it can only be taught through tough situations like seeing a friend’s lip fatten with some sesame oil…
Beautifully said, Q. What you said about becoming better people is so true. When we force ourselves into uncomfortable situations, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. This is so hard, yet we are forced to learn so much about ourselves, and the limits that we place on our thoughts, actions, and experiences. Thanks for your contribution, it was real, and I loved it.
“If one sees the world with an open mind, then one is able to find the treasure within the problem itself.” Beautiful and true! I loved the way you wrote that, and your contribution overall. The treasure within the problem.