What the fuck am I doing? I ask myself this everyday. I’ve changed so much over the past year; going from a self-centered success-thirsty sexual-driven creature to someone who can no longer ignore the extreme beauty of the world that we live in. I’ve hurt people. I-have-hurt-people. Whether it was through my own direct selfish behavior, or as a byproduct of of my cut-throat “I’ll do anything to get there” ways.
Why am I writing this? Not as a confession or anything. I don’t need to confess. I’m a fucking butterfly and everything before this was metamorphosis. Shit. It’s honestly crazy how I can’t decide where I stand. But maybe I don’t want to stand anywhere? I see what goes on in the world, and I say “This all has a purpose. The death. The pain. The hurt. The love. The success. The laughter.” I say that what is happening now needs to happen. I don’t say that it is right or wrong, but that it all plays some role in our world for some reason. But then I immerse myself in our world, and I say “This isn’t right. People are dying. People are dying. People are dying.” How crazy is that? People are going to war and dying over a disagreement. A disagreement over land, oil, money, or power. I sit here and write this with the knowledge that these things do matter to people. And that people are willing to die for these things. But how long can we continue to live in this world and not realize that we are the same?
I recently watched the movie Baraka, and I sat there repeating “How could we think that we’re not the same?” I repeated that so many times until I almost fucking cried. Seriously. It’s just so hard for me to know when to sit back and say that this is all right, and when to go into society and say that this and that needs to be changed. That I can change it. I don’t even fucking know.
What I do know is that we will all die one day. And that the two opposites of death and life are connected in order to give meaning to the other. I know that this will all end. And instead of sitting around asking myself “What the fuck am I doing?” I am going to do something. I don’t know what, but I will do something. Among all of this confusion about where I stand, I feel something pushing me to be change. I honestly feel obligated to positively contribute to this world. No matter how big or how small. It doesn’t matter if I help one person or one million fucking people. My purpose is finding me.
I wish I had this feeling all the time. I can’t because it is impossible to can, I can’t because life is weird. The world changes just like people change every day and night, just like things change without our expectation, just like events change. Things happen sometimes for reason and sometimes without. we can’t alter their occurrence, or stop them from happening; we are their slave and they are our masters. we all want to live in a peaceful world, but the world never surrenders to peace. I think about finding my self, the sooner I realize that I find my self, I am the happiest person in the world. But, events change, and things happen and then I have to find myself again. I can’t be one person all the time, because finding myself drives me to be one only one person while I can be a lot more than one, while “I can live everyone in my life”. I can live King’s dreams, uncle sam’s dreams, Anstein’s dreams, your dreams, my dreams and everyone’s dreams in myself.I can’t be sure if I have to do something for this world because “I live today in every day”. I live today in tomorrow, in the day after tomorrow…….. If events drive me to do something good for this world, I will, with no doubt. If vents drive me to be drastic, I will because it all natural. But, If events drive me to be in between, I won’t because I don’t want to live a condom life which is in between my thing and her thing, which is in between certainty and uncertainty. I want to live either certain or uncertain life, but not in between.
i place all the blame on government for telling us that we are seperate because of our skin color, how much money we have, ethnic backgrounds, age, sex, social status. they have used media and modern education to train us (literally brainwash the masses) to draw boundaries in our heads seperating groups of people, so that we can never unite as one to overcome such corrupt leaders. we are stuck serving a greater agenda at our expense. i feel like it is my duty to teach as many as possible not to think this way. not to seperate each other, because we are all the same. if you are human then you are my family, thats a fact. why do we treat each other this way? just because of one measly thing, like money, we are taught that we are better than someone.
The confusion is part of the big plan. government is made to govern, to lead, and for a small few to lead the masses they would have to mislead, in order to gain control. i wish i could be like you Mat, i wish i could be FREE all the time and boundless. but free and boundless makes no money and i fall weak to the green paper i love numbers and the more numbers under my name the more i feel important, and i know none of that matters after death, but im not dead yet, and when i die i wont care about my money, i do live free and love life but on the side of it all i keep my eyes open and heart throbbing for success.